3/22/19. Not a birthday. Not an anniversary. It’s the day I attempted suicide.
Yep, you read that right. The guy that “has it all”. A great life, followers, tv personality, lovers of his work, people dying to get work done, an amazing wife, kids, family, etc. but my depression got so bad I was unable to see out of the fog.
On March 22, 2019 around 5pm, I walked out to garage. I wrote a quick note on my phone that started off by saying “someone will find this...” I grabbed a rope. Made a noose and put it around my neck. I heard my children playing outside. I thought, they’ll be ok. And attempted to hang myself. I decided to not stand on anything and step off. But rather begin to hang and allow myself to pass out. Within 1 minute I’d pass out. Within 2O minutes it’d be over.
I looked up ways to do it right, wouldn’t hurt and pass out quickly. As I began to pass out, my feet went underneath me and stood up. I don’t remember choosing to stand, but my body said no. I came too and took the noose off of my neck and paused for a moment and cried. In that moment, I knew I had to change something. I needed to face my demons and deal with my depression. I had lost all hope. I was ready to be done. For whatever reason my body said no and I stopped everything before I had passed out.
I told my wife. I told my therapist. Her fear was I may attempt again. I’d been going to a therapist, a psychologist, raised my dosage of meds, nothing was working to release me from this fog. I was always thinking about it, but not sharing it with anyone. We even hid all the pills in my house a few weeks before.
My therapist decided and suggested, I needed a ketamine treatment. A new alternative way to reset the brain and lift me from the suicidal actions and allow me to face whatever I needed to face without the idea of ending my life.
Ketamine has been a life saver. I have since done 2 IV infusions. First one was one hour, the next was 2 hours. I’ve never felt such happiness as I did when doing the treatment. Afterwards, after a day or so, my fog lifted. My suicidal thoughts stopped and I could focus on what was really happening that was causing such a dark depression.
I don’t tell you this story for pity. Or sympathy. I tell you in hopes that someone reads this and does not feel alone. That there are options. And treatment to help. This is a real disease. It’s crippling and It almost killed me. I’ve never been so close to choosing to be done with this life. I didn’t care anymore. I was sure everyone would be fine and move on.
I’m struggling daily with the conflict inside my head. The voices can be so loud, powerful and very convincing that this world doesn’t need you.
I’m choosing to be transparent for anyone that reads this because it’s real. I’m not a weak person. I’m not insane or looking for attention. I’m living with debilitating depression. There is hope though.
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255